Name: Monday, April 21, 2008
big trouble!
alright, ssm really wasnt as bad.. i had no idea what i was so stressed abt. i guess i just didnt like others spoilin my mood but surprisingly i wasnt the very least affected. i gotta say whn mr goh suddenly shouted i was kinda shock, it's been long man, since somebod can raise their voice like this but fear found no space to squeeze into my puny brain cos it was too congested with image of the evil penguin cartoon. i really have no idea which character it is but well.. it was all that mattered durin the day.. i just gotta say i had fun, it was as if i went back to the cs trg days, durin the part time job trgs with ili and all. love! i just have a thg for fierce tchrs, as in i prefer havin fierce tchrs cos i am psycho enough to believe that the other side of them far surpasses their fierce side and i wanna be among those to experience it.today babyt was like 'kickin' the whole time and the warm weather really didnt help alot man.. i was so afraid that i was this close to miscarryin babyt. hahaa! still, i think it is the most beautiful thg in the world! hoho.
anw i cant seem to get out of the whole vid thg alr.. not that i am over watchin. in fact, i am not watchin them anymore! and this is the prob now! my life just seems to be crashin after that due to the many reasons, some i am so clear myself has to do with my own cowardice.. i guess i just cant be that simple a person, i am just me..
i just wanna experience either one of those feelins, even if it is just once. it is worth the pain later, serious. call me greedy, if i can let it last for 6mths, 3's fine too and i'd be able to live with memories of it. as much as it seems impossible, i am just happy thinkin of it alone :))
i really didnt wanna blog alot cos i was really not in the best of state but ironically it is in this kinda state that i open up the most; really sayin what i really feel, believe or think.. it started a few weeks back.. i knew it, i just knew it whn i cudnt put my feelins into words, cant put many thgs into words.. the familiarity of it scares me so much i decided to pretend to overlook it. i even went as far as avoidin certain dramas belivin that i just didnt feel like watchin them just yet. who am i kiddin man?!
still, nth feels as good as watchin a gd drama and really cryin over it. i kinda think if the drama was really gd and the actor's actin's damn gd, etc. aint those tears a form of appreciation shown for that piece? alright, go ahead, say it is dumb..
and before i knoe it, i was sobbin like the waterfall. i had no idea if i was really still watchin the drama, vision blurred and thots floatin far away. i just paused the drama and sat there cryin for the nxt 5mins.. cryin is a real tirin thg but it is evn mroe effective than retail therapy.. i questioned alot of thgs, i asked God many questions. why make me go thru this? why do i feel like i am alone? show me the light, show me that there really is a reason for evrythg that i am goin thru now.. i need to see hints of light at the end of the darkness. after awhile, i calmed dwn, i came to my own conclusions.
i am thinkin if i wanna take days off school to actually prepare myself mentally to mixin with ppl again.. i am too used to bein in my own comfort zone too much', i can be so relaxed at home, centre-partin hair, big tees and shorts only, swaggerin at home just cos i am too tired to walk properly. it feels as babyt's my only emotional support now, the sense of satisfaction and pride i have in bt's just magnificient but i'd better not get hooked. afterall, too many babies really isnt too healthy..
Labels: babyt, pride, ssm, waterfall
11:57 PM