Name: Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Chinese New Year
grandma seemed shorter than before. it definitely isnt because i grew. i see gramp more than once a year but it really doesnt mean anything because i see her less than 10times a year. it is no fault of the busy curriculum or whatsoever. it is just my refusal to visit because i hate to see my uncle and aunties. guilt took over me the instance i noticed how much she has aged.the anxious and worried look on gramp's face, she tries to hide it but it is so prominent. she is real worried abt grandpa but she refuses to show it.. grandpa's in hosp again just like last eve. it is becoming like a neverending cycle. sometimes i just wonder if it is better to just let him leave in peace..
coincidentally all my gramps are very headstrong and stubborn ppl, this, i got it from them. these are virtues, as far as i choose to believe. it is also these virtues that makes me ponder if it is more painful for us to prolong their lives as it is hurtin their ego very badly..
i still rmb grandpa's face whn he was conscious after his op and being unable to control his body movements. that frustrations clearly written across his face, it was unforgettable and heartbreakin..
we were never close but to face the loss of somebody a part of my life is really scary. shud anythg happens, i will still cry secretly.. thats why i really dont have the courage to even think abt it.. to hide behind an unaffected mask is the last thg i wanna do again..
i have to admit that i actually care more than i appear to be..
but whom i am more concerned with is my maternal grandma. i'm just glad that haughty mama's still very much healthy.. tho not as mobile.. old age, it is scary..
deep inside i am sucha CNP. i may look and behave like some kendang but come new yr, tgd with friends like val, we can be DAMN bangdang! the family values, the tranditions, i really would love to carry them out. imagine waking up in the morning just to wish your grandparents good health, thats a blessing, isnt it?
OMG! imagine i date a CNP nxt time?! fainted! hahhaa! nahh, i'l date another kendang. hoho!
10:37 PM