Name: Saturday, November 10, 2007
realization
it seems that sadder shows leave me with a deeper impression and it is not that easy to influence me. i am surprised that after so many dramas, i actually think magicians were the nicest so far cos of the way they portray the 'saddness'; like any other love stories. makes me wanna fall in love immediately again. lol. actually now i am fine bein single, not that i dont wanna fall in love but i knoe i hafta wait. 'cos the best is worth waitin for =) now is not the right time, it is time to focus on gettin my life on the right path again. with a better life, i'l have better friends, enjoy life, work evn harder for success and everythg else will just fall in place
i am like goin thru pms now. it is partly due to the constant gay laughters durin b's bday dinner. i gotta say today's kind of a success cos b didnt suspect that we had more than a cushion to give her on her bday. she was blurred at first, she thot she was the one who posted the posted on her door -.- blur sotong.... then her mom told her her friends came. ok the rest we really dont have to elaborate.. hoho. her momma was really nice to treat us to seafood spread! both mother and daughter were really cute, we just sat ard talkin abt rubbish and the mom could like blend in. i am so sure she had fun too. teehee.
i have finally came to realise that i dont need hafiz anymore. i was selfish before, i had wanted us to stay close cos i believed that we'd still need each other's support after the 'temp' break up. i used to rely on him on almost evrythg but not anymore. i believed that he too needed somebody to listen to him cos he alws had a prob openin up to ppl, evn close friends. he just has this prob with trustin ppl, evn his close friends.. so we stood by this agreement.
this agreement fell apart whn i felt like he failed in his 'duties' evn as a close friend. he left me alone whn i was in my lowest and whn he does appear he'd want me to be more concerned abt HIS probs, not botherin abt whthr i am down or crashin. he never fails to pick on my raw spots, evn if it was unintentional (he used to be sensitive, in case you thot he was alws like that). there was one period he used to really knoe what i need and really attentive. after the breakup all that chivalry went out the windows, i tolerated and let it be but i guess this is the ultimate. if he is just lookin for a rubbishbin for his probs, i think he shud BUY a rubbishbin. i am not interested anymore. i dont need somebod who is still more interested in his own affairs. i gave him a chance, in face, numerous. i used to still believe he knoes me best. i'd still ask for help frm him in my own ways but he pushed me away in his, dont blame me. now that i have decided, it is settled, i wont change anymore. i need that someone to protect me, not the other way round.
i was really crashin moments ago and somehow i realised that i didnt want him to talk to me anymore, in fact we no longer talked on the phone much cos i am very much uninterested now. instead of wantin to talk to him whn i am down, i am pushin him away 'cos i am findin him a burden alr, i need a support, not someone who'd bring me dwn. i want to move on, not stay stuck in this same situation forever.
maybe it is the similarity in the situation, i am thinkin of a friend i used to rely so much on. our friendship's not the same anymore but i cant deny that this friend is the only person i am not afraid to go to if i really dont wanna face the world. this is no fair weather friend but we dont have to stay in touch, we are just alws somewhr we knoe whr to find each other, i love the feelin and i really want it to last. it is whn we dont expect anythg frm each other, gave up the somethg precious to sustain this friendship. it is special, impt and assurin. i cant be sure abt the future but i am sure of it now.
ok, i am off to munchin, i need some therapy and i promise to post some photos soon. soon, whn i really have the mood. i do have some really hilarious photos, i think they are?
Labels: decision, lastin friendship, special friend, therapy
12:17 AM