Labels: advertlets, civilisation, eyes, jap, stable

capture that feel
11:46 PM
it is only after catchin up with the crowd that i realised that i didnt just change. i changed drastically. i am totally not the person who left cj and just joined tp. in an attempt to cope and blend in, i kicked my old habits. it was still easy at first, i had thgs goin smoothly, i was still playin nball. there were a gazillion ways to release my stress.

today was abit weird. i wasnt like before, the noisy kid. hoho. i hesitated to speak up (like wtf?!), i just wanted to be left alone. gosh, who is that, what pk. roar!` later part i started warmin up and findin the kick. i prefer the noisy and pk who sprouts vulgarities so often you'd take it as part of her speech.

i realised ever since i went to tp and the case, i held back alot. well, you gotta attribute that to the guys i hang ard with as well. like pls! the bous totally have no balls and they dont knoe what is standin up for their friends, being protective of the girls, much less standin up for themselves. they only knoe how to make the girls help them with this and that but well, cos of that i got to make them carry my lappy. that isnt too bad a thg. THAT is the only gd thg. they only 'bully' the girls but dont dare to stand up agnst anybod else, seriously, that aint too cool, boy.

culture shock plus all that crap frm the mix school kids. i am being extreme but fuck it ok? i've had enough of the nonsense toleratin all that crap. if you evn bother noticin i am slowly startin to lose my temper, i dont want no more crap. shitass, i dont give a damn abt ppl not being able to accept the vulgarities. or mayb i might just not talk as much then. ppl takin the nice-ness for granted. trust me, very soon, very soon it shall be gone.

Labels: change, jerks, revert

capture that feel
11:36 PM
well, now that sep has explained to me what to do, my job seems simpler =)) i really love it whn sep comes over cos there is wireless and there is company whn i stay up late.

i realised that i totally love company and i can involve others easily but there is no space for anybod in my world. maybe whn i am used to havin ppl ard, i might but once i am used to my own small world, i shut the world out. well, in a more indirect way. i wont show it obviously cos i hate the buggin if there shud be. i'd just wanna be left alone. there will be many thgs i wont voice out and i just look as if i accept but it doesnt really matter if i really do as long as i can be left alone in my own comfort zone.

all that crap abt hafiz being somebod in his own world. i dont seem to be any much better. i enjoy the privacy i get, my own private space and time. a line i draw to keep others away frm thgs i do not want to tell or share. i dont knoe if my friends actually knoe of this line but there are just times i dont want others near me, not evn toe-ing the line i drew to keep the world away. i used to be able to just randomly let others in but you cant stay long and you may not evn understand whats goin on in the world. now, i am just happy being the only resident of that tiny space. as long as it is just me agnst the world. hahaha! sounds wrong.

i seem totally chirpy, gay and whatever you call it. playful and unable to settle down but there are times i actually feel really tired and wanna take a break frm the world. i alws bluff myself that those are the thgs i have to do to survive, socialise and be part of the society but sometimes i really wonder if it is my lack of courage to be myself or it is just simply the truth. it hurts to be caught in that dilemma. rarhh!` sometimes i get so tired from these. yet evrythg is worth as long as i escape the watchful eyes of others. i really hate others carin abt my affairs cos my belief has alws been that there are no nice folks, anybod nice enough has a motive. there is no fairytale but only livin hell.

i wanna learn drums, i wanna learn guitars and maybe keyboard as well but all these really seem unlikely... i wanted to learn drums SINCE sec 4!!! like how many dinosaur yrs ago. fine, given up.

too much emokid crap! hahaha!

Labels: nonsensical junk, rambles

capture that feel
2:28 AM
gosh, i am really losin it. alr i am gettin pissed off with grp proj, and it is only the early stage. tell me how to not lose my temper. i will go mad at this rate and become 'EMOKID!' lol! i am pissed with some grpmembers and losin it with some. ahahaa! i am a biatch. thankyou.

i got so much to blog but so much work as well. all i can say is, i think i see more than the others. the smallest actions make a significance to me. maybe it is darddy's influence but whatever i see i have learnt to accept and not a fuss out of it cos i am not very interested anymore.

love.

Labels: accept, losin it, proj

capture that feel
1:10 AM
my lappy's like havin a fun time jammin on me. i'm not too sure if it's the lappy speed thats slow or if it's me goin too fast. anyhow, i think mi gotta start savin to get a separate hard disk to store all my nonsense. i totally hate my lappy goin in a slow-mo speed. killer! rarrh!`

i am still so sleepy. heheee! tho i kinda like err.. slpt for almost 14 hours? hoho. my double eyelid kinda came back. got enough rest but feelin abit sick. hehee! if only i get as much sleep evryday, i'l lost weight man. hahaha! i THINK i have work to do, as in schoolwork but i cant remember so that'l hafta wait then........

Labels: ample rest, jam, schoolwork

capture that feel
6:02 PM
this is THE video. his hair's not that nice but he still looks cute! he's kinda like gay-gay kind, SO cute! let's hope this link doesnt jam cos it is the clearer version!! so adorable. hoho.

Labels: PV

capture that feel
1:19 AM
finally finished the mukodono series. it is only a mere 12eps drama. i did 5eps within today and i only started at 11pm. i ended up being a goldfish. i think too much cryin will really kill the eyes like what b said. alr they are single eyelid now frm the lack of sleep and now they look diseased, swollen as they are. i better not start cryin blood like b did before. i think if i ever really do start cryin blood, i'l prolly just go on cryin. hahaa! i mean you dont care that much whn you are being emo while watchin sad shit. cryin really wears one out damn fast but I CANT SLEEP WITH SWOLLEN EYES! they'l swell even more tmr! hahaha! vids has become an addiction i cant resist. the addiction is not the problem but the reason behind it. so yall shud stop naggin abt the addiction. maybe i can change the addiction to another form, something healthier i guess.

and love, it is not that i am describin different kinda guys! it's just that they have that common trait, protective. of course we discussed the character sakuraba yuichiro, CHARACTER. cos i was still watchin the drama and we kinda discussed the kinda guy we wanna be with and it really ended up being abit of a joke. i think guys who go all out for the people they love, meanin like family members, are to die for. not like they restrict their loved ones but they are like the supporting pillars. they are alws there but you need not notice them, yet it doesnt stop them from protectin you from harm. i think i really shud have an elder bro.

now, i really dont knoe if i still wanna be part of a crowd. not that i have really loved crowds before, like a big grp of ppl/friends. before this, there was a period i'd prefer a big grp of friends together. now, i very much love the peace i get from goin home earlier. i really dont care that i am prolly killin myself slowly with the terrible lack of sleep. more sweet stuffs will do the job xP

Labels: crowd, elderbro, latenights, sakuraba yuichiro

capture that feel
4:58 AM
you hold back your tears
to prevent the world from exposin your weakness.
yet you wish to find solace in the shelter called 'home'.
but when home fails,
to warm your heart and dry your tears,
you can only seek refuge in the darkness of night.
when everything wears you down,
you knoe it is time to let go.
the world may not share your views
but just take faith.
you knoe what you really want
and that is all that matters.
you can crumble and collapse like an erroded statue
but you dont have to give up being strong.
for help will arrive one day,
like the missin piece of a complete jigsaw puzzle.
when a smile loses its meanin,
what good is its existence?
when laughters become a form of pollution,
lets just maintain the peace.
can you melt that block of ice with your own abilities?

i love spoutin nonsense and not takin responsible of my words. well, i really dont mean them most of the time. yet, sometimes, i just do not intend to have others take me too seriously.. cos whn they dont take me too seriously, they may just miss the message i am tryin to put across. it doesnt matter cos i get the message off my chest and it doesnt create a big hoo-ha cos nobod notices and it's killin two birds with ONE stone. hoho. yada. back to tomobaby. hahaha!

Labels: chill, complete, tomobaby

capture that feel
12:33 AM
gosh, my stomach is hurtin really badly cos i am slouchin whn i sit and all the fats are compressed so much they are hurtin. maybe it is time for me to learn to sit up straight. those fats are too much to be compresse now. i am squeezin time out from the resume to blog. lazylazypork.


naga-kun] =))

Labels: naga, resume, squeeze

capture that feel
1:39 AM
rarhh!` i totally hate what i am doin now, it is as if i've hit a raw nerve. intentionally or unintentionally i dont knoe. all i knoe's no matter what i do, the wound will be picked open again. maybe all my forgetfulness and failure to rmb or understand anythg's due to my escape. i dont wanna rmb, dont wanna think abt it. just wanna lock evrythg up and it resulted in me not bein able to walk out of it.

i am too caught up with it, i just wanna run away frm the crowd, the society. nomore socialisin will cause be to be left behind academically. i needa wake up really wake up. grahh!` i am like tryin to do my resume now, still, alright. i am unable to start, so now i am like tryin to categorise and out together all the info i need. startin a piece of tutorial is alws the hardest part for me. it seems so much easier to type out a blogpost instead so tada!`. here i am postin instead of doin my darned resume.

ok, was listenin to this song while tryin to do my resume. why, the video's not bad as well but what i cant understand is how do japanese sing in such high-pitched voices whn they speak in such low and manly voices? anw callin the japanese 'jap' is rude, well, thats as far as i learnt frm my history tchr miss chiam back then. callin a chinese a chink's an insult too but we thot it sounded cool, maybe the younger generations really dont give as much as a damn anymore.

Labels: raw, sorafune, wound

capture that feel
7:58 PM
rahh!` i wanted to get some help from my dad on how to do up my resume and coverletter and he decided to get cranky and complain abt me usin the net till late. all that talk abt writin to tp to ask if all the stus use the net this way. fucktard! it is common, and nobod gives a fuck yeah. so totally got pissed off for nothing.

i hate the fuckass shit he does whn i need help, so much so that i dont wanna talk to him alr. then as and whn he feels like it he'l poke his nose into my assignment and pretend to wanna help. fuck off man, really not interested by then. i can totally do it myself.

i realised i totally dont knoe what alvin taught so now i gotta redo my research on resume myself. i dont knoe if it is me bein stoneded or just i really cant function at all now. i totally gotta wake my dumbass brain up.

Labels: fuckass, retard

capture that feel
7:06 PM

finally! the video can be loaded! kns!! for the past few days i was havin so much trouble loadin it. below is the video. yep, just enjoy, hopefully it comes out clear.

anw my extension came out 'cos i think the person had the extension clipped on too loose. maybe it is due to the overwhelmin amount of customers or just simply the lact of experience. now i am thinkin if i wanna go re-extend 'cos i relly dont have the patience to grow long hair. hehehe! i took out 6 extensions cos i have this bad habit of strokin my own hair (whatever!). and just by simply doin this i dislodged TWO extension. the other 4 err... i kinda sniped them near the clips but there were only like ard 10strands of hair so =X BUT the best thing about long hair's if the hair inside is short it really isnt too visible.

so now the prob's whether i wanna re-extend or simply remove them and just snipe my hair short... wooo... i really cant decide AND my fringe is pretty long now and i gotta decide if i wanna cut it short, doll or just keep it long. troublesome!!!! gahh!`

Labels: hair affairs

capture that feel
11:12 PM
eh, i dont knoe what am i supposed to blog abt. i am totally at lost, senile alr yo! oh yeah, i am supposed to load the video of our 'hot' korean boy. lets hope my blogger lets me load this time round or it'l be a waste of my paparazzi effort, boy.

ok, f* blogger cos i cant upload anythg on it. dont knoe whats the prob with it. i dont like it like that! cos i cant put anythg funny on my blog! damn damn damn!!

anw i kinda got pissed off wnough with a friend. i dont understand the sudden change of attitude and kinda confronted him. hoho. gave me some lame ans that made me wwanna lose my cool and i promised myself not to so i held on and tolerated all the crap. maybe some parts of the answers were true but others i still hold my stand. i guess i kinda lost a friend but i really cant blame myself if he is weird. *shruggs. ano, wakarimasen. lol. this is the only jap phrase i love. hehehe!

maybe it is time to kick the emo crap aside again. it sure doesnt feel gd and it is causin a delay in my work progress. i have become so emotional i just put work aside to watch vids just to feel better and all these will totally screw me up.

moreover, i really think i need a job but my condition will only get me a job if God bestows miracle on me -.- and if possible may God bestow on me more patience to take all the crap that is happenin ard me. i am like some active volcano now, alws on the verge of explosion. i cant describe the cause but i am tryin to zone out alot so i can just be crazy and not get too serious. sometimes because i am alws hangin out with ppl i love, i really dont have the heart to flare but all theose frustrations are makin me FATTER! lol...

yadayadayada... lazeeeee outto!

Labels: fat, frustrated, lazy, mental block, volcano, zone out

capture that feel
11:48 PM
I tried and I still bawled like a baby. Lol. I was just feelin really sucky since the day started. Well, twas since morn yeah but I just refused to admit. Then the day just went and nothing really changed, I very much just felt numb. I cant say I was indifferent but I just really didn’t very much want to bother abt anythg. I hate feelin sucky cos I wont bother doin any work and that is an equation that will definitely result in an answer that says, screwed.

Basically the whole day was very much tryin to contain my anger and of cos I knoe I wasn’t the only person bein frustrated but mayb that’s all I cared abt, I am selfish. Bein the usual me, whn I am feelin down and yucky I’d wanna cry but this time I didn’t, I tried with all my might to hold it back. Some part of me was cravin for a smoke. Must be the bad influence frm the jappo show. Hoho. Jom ppl, I’l start finding yall, namely dinny. Hahaha! Afterall, I am legal.

Yep, it’s been some time that I have stayed clean. Maybe meetin with my cjmates just made me realize maybe I shudnt just forget that at some part of my life, the growin up part, I wasn’t like who I am now. Or you can call it the bad influence but I liked it. Not like now, sometimes I don’t evn feel human-like because my emotions are all gone. They are all either replaced by negativity or emptiness. Boy, it’s not cool yo. Lol.

Kinda looking forward to scoob endin his As. He happily asked me, ‘How’s vicky?’ that a*hole mixed dinny up with his other friend, somebody we called Vicky-mama. Hoho! ‘cos they’re both hotshit nigga. That fella’s also one dude no short of laughter. Was talking to scoob abt his As results bein the hardest part of his whole As ordeal, he told me to take his results for him while he snooze at home. Right, lets see if you can really get your hairy ass down to slpin first.

OMG! Tmr’s gonna be panda eyes man…. Smore got cds. Fainted.. I finally fixed my heels, that means I can wear them. Bad mood means one shud alws dress up to try to feel better. That’s it yo and I needa wake up in less than four hours’ time to meet b for breakfast. Faints. I really don’t knoe how I survived on 3-4hours of slp everyday and the last wkend that I failed to rest is really takin a toll on me. Or maybe I am really old but fuck it =))

Labels: babybawl, bad habits, balls of fun, crave

capture that feel
4:20 AM
actually i had wanted to upload the video of celine's 'hot' korean guy but my stupid internet just refuses to load. damn it. gahh!` i really dont knoe whr are all these frustrations frm man. fuck! hahaha! nothing feels better than screamin vulgarities whn you are pissed off. hoho.

ohyeah, did i say my parents are hilarious? they were quarrellin just now. ok, more like fightin, cos it got a lil physical. i was in a total -.- dont knoe, dont care. lol. i just left them cos they totally looked like they pri sch kid hittin each other, like wtf? hoho. like i am totally unbothered and dont care, i am weird. not sure if i am used but i super bochap sia. hoho. okie, back to my shows la. tmr then i try uploadin that crap.

Labels: kids, sucky network

capture that feel
1:00 AM
no more late nights and many more water!! i think my forehead's like being invade by acnes and pimples, there are like almost 30 of them. i needa slp early and drink more!!! gotta go... RUNNNNN!!!!

Labels: acne, pimple

capture that feel
1:26 AM
i've decided to be nicer and use normal font size instead of small font size. maybe yall can decide for yourselves which one's nicer 'cos i cant compare now, i am far too brain-dead to really function.

today was scary, actually comin to realise that if two of your friend doesnt come to school, you are fucked. to find out abt that's not cool at all, really not cool. 'cos our class's divided into different clique like normal classes and maybe it just me who really feels weird like joinin others. it feels as if i am intrudin. so really dont ask me how alvin kang can happily join other cliques at will. 'cos i will just feel weird. today vivi, jeline, shining and eileen were nice, like we went to hijack their table at itas 'cos i craved for laksa so we kinda went itas and there were NO table. motherf! so we got no choice but to like crash their 'luchdate'. hahaa! then found our way to bookshop. brenny startled me, like i really got shock 'cos he seemed to come out of nowhere and went, 'HEY!' alright, he was too tall so i didnt see him right behind me? i am short and with his height he does happen to be 'out-of-sight'.

then the WHOLE grp of us enthusiastically went for micro almost 30mins early just to spot the 'cute korean'. damn! our hopes got dashed so we made a dare like to have ykp in between me and adel, like SITTIN in between us yo'! the class was kinda noisy today and i cud see mr micromini was slowly losin his patience, so was i! imagine ykp beside you, fakin that half-slutty voice callin.. 'kelly! kelly!' i think she totally called for the sake of callin. i survived that lesson totally. timo was crappy! i cudnt do some question and lucky mr micromini asked timo to help me and he totally let me copy somebod's work onto the board. thanks dude. ohyeah, adel, you shud stop laughin at mr micromini's short legs, he isnt evn attemptin to walk faster to open the door for us, it really aint his short legs =X some day we shud really go find out the code to open the damn door.

aft that was lects and i kept fallin aslp. well lucky i did man. if not i'd really be too tired to evn realise what happened on my way back in the bus. anw socio was still the usual cool shit. today's lecturer felt like she came frm the psycho cds =/ she felt semi-insane but cool. the topic of the lect was like whether the pic she showed us, the one with piercin was a dickhead -.- 'cos the lecturer merely said twas a head and she pointed at the head right at the tip of her upper body, like that thg which houses your brain? thats it you do have one. anw yep, apparently i was the first to saw and chuan ann just didnt wanna accept the fact that it was. he tried suggestin tortoise -.-/ socio's like the ONLY lect i'd sit in the front and like been stickin my head out to listen 'cos it is just alws so interestin. tho i cudnt help but dozed off a lil. it really wasnt 'cos the lect was borin but merely 'cos my body was simply too tired.

on the way back twas fucked up. that stupid busride. i really shud have went to the police but it really is too much a hassle much more troublesome than what yall can imagine so i really just tsked at the STUPID baboo and changed seat. technically i didnt lose much but i still wanna punch him. gahh!' maybe i shud just treat it like something we'd usually experience in a club, that'l definitely make me feel better. ili was funny, he wanna to come dwn and i was like, alright, how to? i'm on the bus. lol.

meetin up with my cjnballers just really kinda make me miss jommin. i mean yeah, we're supposed to be healthy ppl, no softdrinks and whatnots but this grp of us? hoho! for one, i really dont care abt the coke rule, i need the coke to maintain the bloodsugar and i really dont care if i gotta eat in between trg durin that 5mins break. i rmb our stayovers, vodka, jimbeam, you name it, we'd prolly have it. and of cos the 1pack w/in less than an hour. all those crazy days, i seem to have forgotten abt them. i've been clean for like what.. half a yr? incredible isnt it? i dont touch the sticks anymore 'cos my sense of smell seemed to have improved overnight and i really cant stand the 'aftersmell' of jom. tho i kinda miss the carefree feel, just a few khakis and a quiet corner.. walahh! the burnin feel of vodka and the many snacks that follow. the truths that alws escapes whn we drink our lack-of-trust-in-others away. the silly moments, the pics to prove them. those were balls of fun, boy =DD miss.

i really cant understand how i can take it so lightly. nothing really seems to matter to me anymore, i can alws afford a hahhaa! or lol. i dont knoe why. shall not elaborate on the reasonin that i think it is cos it's sound like a bore so endin off here and i finally got my nball cheque. i needa make the money stay in my damn bank as long as possible boy. hoho. mommy finished my carrotcake! tsk!

Labels: cjnball, cliques, socio, stupid baboo, wildtimes, ykp

capture that feel
11:13 PM
alright, i'm so pleased with myself for changin my blogskin and i totally love this one. in fact, more than the last one. coincidentally it is by the same person and i have smore blogskins to swtich to. well, if not for the hassle, i'l prolly change one blogskin evryday =DD time to turn in to go to school like a goodie tmr. *yawns.....

ohyeah, did i mention that mommy brought me shoppin and spent 100plus buyin me clothes? i am really gay abt it =D twas 123bucks! sounds cool, like some 4D bet. i am lovin shoppin again and i just wanna get a job since we have a long wkend evry week..

Labels: job, new blogskin, pleased, shoppin

capture that feel
2:08 AM
ok, i am very unhappy now cos i am cravin for sweet stuffs and i am none of them at home! that is the sucky thing abt sweet stuffs! well, that is unless i decide to eat the sugar cubes at home. motherf! i hate craving for something and not gettin it! i want mcflurry, chocs, yada yada yada... ok, ftheworld cos i am too cravey.

i dont knoe if i am doin the right thing but i am just pushin you away cos i love myself more. i wanna cry cos i cant decide if it is the right decision. all i can do now i believe that i can survive this and move on, for something and somebod better.

i fuckin need a job cos i am sick and tired of my dad, he is PISSIN the fuck outta me. i want money, i want nomore of your crap. i am sick of you ventin it on me whn i have enough of my probs. you want the truth? whatever ways i turned out, you are partly responsible! so shut the fuck up! the truth is i am definitely too old for your crap. dont come givin me shit then try to act like you care cos no matter how touched i am i wont appreciate anythg you do anymore. i am bein really negative and nasty now but i believe myself enough to think that you either not have kids or be give able to give your kids. if not, i think you are irresponsible. you need not take my view cos honestly i dont give a fuck cos this is my stand and i really dont care if nobod accepts it other than me. i just dont want to say how ridiculous evrythg is but the fact's i am pissed off with it. he made it sound like he was some saint, he wasnt. he was rebellious before and just because he is 'grown-up' now he expects me to meet HIS expectations. seriously, fuck off. i cant imagine i actually told mrs L that i am closer to my mom now. she said she could feel that i am closer with my dad but i just didnt have the heart to say, not anymore.

some things just dont make sense to me and i feel like snappin at others yet i knoe it aint gon help.. now i just needa focus and get my crap right. i needa find a job, balance my work and try to still have a life. i hate ppl checkin on me and somebod just did.

ok, sorry for the profanity in this post. shall try to promise to cut dwn on it.

Labels: cravings, frustrations, tolerance

capture that feel
11:13 PM
it seems that sadder shows leave me with a deeper impression and it is not that easy to influence me. i am surprised that after so many dramas, i actually think magicians were the nicest so far cos of the way they portray the 'saddness'; like any other love stories. makes me wanna fall in love immediately again. lol.

actually now i am fine bein single, not that i dont wanna fall in love but i knoe i hafta wait. 'cos the best is worth waitin for =) now is not the right time, it is time to focus on gettin my life on the right path again. with a better life, i'l have better friends, enjoy life, work evn harder for success and everythg else will just fall in place

i am like goin thru pms now. it is partly due to the constant gay laughters durin b's bday dinner. i gotta say today's kind of a success cos b didnt suspect that we had more than a cushion to give her on her bday. she was blurred at first, she thot she was the one who posted the posted on her door -.- blur sotong.... then her mom told her her friends came. ok the rest we really dont have to elaborate.. hoho. her momma was really nice to treat us to seafood spread! both mother and daughter were really cute, we just sat ard talkin abt rubbish and the mom could like blend in. i am so sure she had fun too. teehee.

i have finally came to realise that i dont need hafiz anymore. i was selfish before, i had wanted us to stay close cos i believed that we'd still need each other's support after the 'temp' break up. i used to rely on him on almost evrythg but not anymore. i believed that he too needed somebody to listen to him cos he alws had a prob openin up to ppl, evn close friends. he just has this prob with trustin ppl, evn his close friends.. so we stood by this agreement.

this agreement fell apart whn i felt like he failed in his 'duties' evn as a close friend. he left me alone whn i was in my lowest and whn he does appear he'd want me to be more concerned abt HIS probs, not botherin abt whthr i am down or crashin. he never fails to pick on my raw spots, evn if it was unintentional (he used to be sensitive, in case you thot he was alws like that). there was one period he used to really knoe what i need and really attentive. after the breakup all that chivalry went out the windows, i tolerated and let it be but i guess this is the ultimate. if he is just lookin for a rubbishbin for his probs, i think he shud BUY a rubbishbin. i am not interested anymore. i dont need somebod who is still more interested in his own affairs. i gave him a chance, in face, numerous. i used to still believe he knoes me best. i'd still ask for help frm him in my own ways but he pushed me away in his, dont blame me. now that i have decided, it is settled, i wont change anymore. i need that someone to protect me, not the other way round.

i was really crashin moments ago and somehow i realised that i didnt want him to talk to me anymore, in fact we no longer talked on the phone much cos i am very much uninterested now. instead of wantin to talk to him whn i am down, i am pushin him away 'cos i am findin him a burden alr, i need a support, not someone who'd bring me dwn. i want to move on, not stay stuck in this same situation forever.

maybe it is the similarity in the situation, i am thinkin of a friend i used to rely so much on. our friendship's not the same anymore but i cant deny that this friend is the only person i am not afraid to go to if i really dont wanna face the world. this is no fair weather friend but we dont have to stay in touch, we are just alws somewhr we knoe whr to find each other, i love the feelin and i really want it to last. it is whn we dont expect anythg frm each other, gave up the somethg precious to sustain this friendship. it is special, impt and assurin. i cant be sure abt the future but i am sure of it now.

ok, i am off to munchin, i need some therapy and i promise to post some photos soon. soon, whn i really have the mood. i do have some really hilarious photos, i think they are?

Labels: decision, lastin friendship, special friend, therapy

capture that feel
12:17 AM
I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that i like you

I'm sorry
that I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you
when you were drunk

I'm sorry
that my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair
like I was raised

I'm sorry
that I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
that I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you,
instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you
than just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
that I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
that I always held your hair back
when you threw up,
and didn't get mad at you
for puking in my car,
but when we went out
you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
that I am there to pick you up at 4am
when your new man hit you
and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me
whenI need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there
because it hurts being used as a door mat,
only to be thrown to the side
when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call,
to listen to you cry for hours,
instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize..
I've been the one all along.

I' m sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all
I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
that you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right,
and nothing that I do is good enough
to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl
and told you about it,
I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
that I told you I loved you
and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
that I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving
when your boyfriend was threatening you
instead of spending timewith my family.

I'm Sorry
that I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about
how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends
that there is never any good guys out there,
and they always endup with mother-fs who mistreat them.

Well ladies next time you're complaining,
mayb e look up to see who you're complaining to,
maybe that special someone is right there
hanging on your every word as usual,
screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"

Because the person you are usually searching for
is right by you..

Labels: best friend, right by you

capture that feel
1:12 AM
i cant explain the lack of life in me, maybe it is the run at BR. i am old alr!!! just a less than 4k run and i am alws ko-ing, achin all over. how am i gon play nball on sun. smore we are facin strong teams. alright, we go there and be senior citizens man. hahhaa! it is sad how i gave up the sport i loved so much, bimbotism overruled.

i am really really tired but i am still up. i call this the process of tryin to kill my face! it is alr highly-decomposed and i am still not slpin enough. i was supposed to be doin bcs but i lack motivation, i am just basically stonin with nothing to do online, just rottin ard.. anw i think my extension feels really natural. as in it is mine doesnt feel as painful as val's it feels really normal and alright. i have never, and i shall reiterate NEVER seen my hair at such length for all my 19yrs of life. lol. i usually dont have the patience to wait for it to grow this long and i'd have snipped it short.

i am not exactly used to this 'image' i feel so sissyfied but wells, it's a pretty new experience. fun fun!! =DD i kinda like my hair this length cos the hair that falls snugly onto my neck just makes me feel really comfortable, feels as if i am protected, very secured. hehehe! ok, maybe i am goin mad. *shruggs. hehehe!

Labels: protected, sissyfied

capture that feel
12:55 AM
random post but the name came frm some funny indian video on youtube. anws it is the bcs lesson agn. gahh!` now we are learnin some shit crap abt excel. i hate too advanced com crap, like seriously! i am happy bein the com idiot i am. life is so much more simpler!! hahaha! i am gon fail damn badly for bcs... at least rht was more on research, not that i really learned anythg frm it.. mayb learn how to do research and blah? bcs we gon learn more fun stuffs but it really is not cool havin so much trouble and bein so confused.. boohoo!`

EXCEL IS NOT FUN AT ALLLLLL!!!!! gahhh!!!`

ok, i was late for the stupid bcs lesson. the greatest thg was the 'three musketeers' were ALL not present, bagus! hahaha! well, me and b was late tgd cos we woke up late and went to do my hair extension. now it is longer but not horribly long cos b got to cut my 'fake' hair. whn we were leavin the place surprise surprise mr k called and asked whr are we.. omg!! why sddnly so nice sia. hahaha! pearl called right after i got a shock cos sddnly we are gettin calls.. shock!! hhahaa! jan called b also but b's hp's in my bag. hehehe! then we cabbed dwn cos was damn lazy.. since the four of us sit at the back row, only pops was present.. orhhh.. so sad!! hahaa! today the whole class arrangement changed totally..so we took awhile to get used to it. hoho. then now we have the tutor makin SHEET cos like SHIT and she is sayin she wants many SHIT in our proj, no prob man.

oh yeah did i say ykp damn HOT today!!! lol! she is dressin up just to study with her KOREAN guy! *faints* ok, shall not waste anymore space on ykp. but me and b was sayin that we are fine, kinda worried like ykp's grades will be SO affected by the korean guy, esp if she kena 'ditched' or something. scary can?

now me and v are totally doin stupid stuff like usin the com mouse on the lapp, the com keyboard on lappy, so DUMBBBBB!!!! we are busy 'multi-taskin'.. lappy and com (excel). the tutor's confusin me. then pops seems to have a better method cos supposedly he learnt this sub before so gd, at least i have somebod who understands near me.. hoho! he seems to really knoe cos he said the tutor's method damn long-winded. i really dont care as long as i learn the SHORTESR method. this way it'l be easier to rmb!! =DD

class goin-ons: chuan ann brought his 'plasma' and cos it is vista it is slightly different frm the lab coms, he is gettin so gahh!` too. hilario! mr k spilled kelvin's drink. godblesshim that it is only plainwater, that time we spilled MILO! lol. ykp is still havin fun askin lotsa questions. the three at the back are tryin to decide what accent the tutor is usin. all three of us doin different crap. friendster, blog and bbt.

shall try to upload a pic of my 'longlong' hair soon! tada!

Labels: 'long hair', bcs

capture that feel
4:08 PM
*engrossed in the rain, lost in the drizzle. thinkin back of the time we walked in the rain. the walk home that stays etched in my head. a painful past that'l resurface evry now and then to haunt me. once in awhile, the rain would remind me of you, of us, once. to feel the rain was the best feelin back in the old sch days whn my world was only blue and grey. yet the colours couldnt play down the excitement of livin. yet the rain never felt the same after you changed the definition of it. a lil more than friends but a lil less than lovers. mayb all the feelins are caused by the not bein able to have something that i want but i like it this way, the distance and understandin between us. let it stay buried until we are all but like a family because only this way will it be a forever.

alright! i was 40mins late for ob lect again this time.. it seems almost impossible to not be on time for lect and it seems coincidental that i am alws 40mins late!!! hahaha! i couldnt swallow the macs in my mouth and that was damn embarrassin and stupid pops gotta block our way. he is so funny, he is more at ease with his class. cos he seems to act tame whn he is in my class for bcs, mayb he is still new. god knoes what will he be up to if he is not-so-new anymore. hahaha! for some reason i was damn gay the whole of today just happy. oh yeah and i think b's boobies grew!!! woohoo! hahaha! and girlie, nothing will go wrong. it seems my 'sensitivity' got to you. hahhaa!

but the only spoiler was it seems my grp for EVERY subs seems to get disturbed in every possible way! first was micro, i lost b. then now mkg we hafta include some girl but lucky for us it's her and we are fine with her. she is marlina frm o4. she asked us to call her mk if her name's too difficult. so we have mk, pk and ak in the grp! how gay? hahaha! then alvin kang act nice, he was like, 'hi, i am alvin kang.' FAINTS! pls, whn was he this nice? wayang! hahaha! i rmb the first person who shoke my hand whn he introduced himself was tk (another _k! hahhaa!) and he gave me a shock and i was like wtf?! hahaha! well, it is supposed to be a nice gesture and really appropriate but i guess we are not used to it unless we are used to it like in the very mat rep community. i love it whn they do their handshakes whn they run into each other, not salam but just a simple handshake. style sia! hahaha!

let thgs stay this way, i totally love the harmonious atmosphere. lets just make merry and forget evrythg else. just rmb to alws come back 'home' at the end of the day. thats all that matters, isnt it?

Labels: bury it, forget the rain, make merry

capture that feel
12:07 AM
i decided to do away with the drama 'reviews'. i intended to blog abt sth else but i really have no idea what to blog abt... well, sch's feelin slightly better. i mean honestly it is the classmates. val, adel, jeline, vivi, jan, chuan ann, timo, kelly, van, pearl, sarah and evn celine cos she is more than hilarious. i just love the interaction with evrybod so far. it is as if it is really so very fun to have classmates ard, each with their uniqueness. their different sense of humor, their frequency, etc. it makes me feel like i am really startin to love my class..

ok, mental block cos of the stupid lack of slp. i was busy sms-ing seppie, we were talkin abt nonsense and stayed up all the way till 5plus and i had to wake up at abt 6, what slp man. zZzzzzz... ok, out!

Labels: lack of slp, love class

capture that feel
11:29 PM

capture that feel
6:50 PM
i dont knoe how thgs turned out this way but all i knoe is that i dont like the feelin of this. i wanna go back to the past. hahaha! i sound like an old laydeh. hoho. i dont understand the sudden change. did it start from me? this i am really not too sure but bahh!`

Labels: brown hair, doll dress, pics, unfinished tasks

capture that feel
8:47 PM
i actually evn felt like bloggin today's cos i totally loved socio tutorial. hehehe! yet because of socio being so fun, jappo seemed very much worse compared. my jappo class is made up of 3/4 nerds and the normfolks are difficult to talk to... so i happily just stone to myself durin jappo while chantin the jap phrases but i am totally enjoyin all that readin. the only enjoyment came frm the learnin of new phrases! it felt totally great boy.

socio was the sex cos i had vivi and chuan ann in my class. then brandon chai previously frm cj was also in my class twas hilariously cos both of us recognised each other frm cj but pretended like we didnt. twas a damn crappy act. well, cj ppl only looks unapproachable cos aft that he was super funny. all that reminiscin abt cj went on for awhile and our grp grumbled alil before we came back. bran's samuel aka mr pickles reminds me of alex but the xxxxxxxxxxxs-sized alex. it was the smile that resembled alex's lexie has that kiddish innocent smile paired with his braces-ed teeth, so lovable. hahaha! ohyeah, anw vivi, me, chuan ann formed a grp tgd with bran and mr pickles. the process was super anyhows but laughable? hahhaa! and bran lives super near kor, supposedly just behind. so thats means if he drives i can hitch a ride to go sch!!! oohlalaa! *shameless.shameless. smore lucky me has an almost identical timetable as him. woohoo! pls let me have friends who can drive me ard, i wont evn mind if they bike me ard just to make my journey to sch shorter or easier. whatever it is, just make it more bearable to go sch!!!

fine, i am learnin to accept school. it is the second wk afterall. hoho. i love cds. i wanna be chirpy agn and become the man i am in cj. hehehe!

Labels: alex-look-alike, comrade, smile

capture that feel
1:26 AM
i guess i cant just hide in my small corner and hope to succeed in life. nobod can stop me frm lockin my feelins away but whn i pull myself out of the situation totally, there is no way i can survive in this society. maybe this is really the time, time to make a change and reconsider what i really want out of all these i have go thru.

it is high-time i woke up frm my fairytale dream and learn to blend back into the society but that doesnt mean that i'd have to get affected by others' rubbish. instead i shud use those rubbish to build my wall of defence. afterall, in an industry like ours, we do not expect others to give a damn abt our feelings. all that matters is how others feel.

i've straightened out my thots and i knoe i needed find the chirpy person agn, be gay and make merry. lets all be happy ppl and make ppl ard us smile =D i wanna be the person who write 'smile!:)' on others' notes. alws, i learnt my lesson. no matter what happens, i shud alws find out the truth before i make any judgement. thanks to lil miss sunshine's clarification, i realized i got saddened by something that didnt really happen -.- and never ever listen to hearsays. faints. how long do i need to take to learn this?

okie, a brand new day tmr. i shall try to stone less.. hmm.. mayb still stone but be less unapproachable =))

Labels: a change in me

capture that feel
2:49 AM