Name: Thursday, October 18, 2007
negativity aside
HAPPY 19TH PEI!!!! *HUGS!
The truth isn’t up to you to decide,
So it’s better to just accept it.
Although it’s ugly,
At least it’s honest.
Been jottin dwn some ideas while i was offline like usual but i just didn’t have the motivation to load it to blogger. like whn i read frm a teammate’s ‘dead’ blog, she wrote something abt the resurfacin of all the insecurities that trap everyone. Teammate, what a far-fetched word. she may not be my closest friend but one person i trusted my decisions with on court. that warm feelin that is all not too familiar anymore. watchin myself take an outsider’s stand while all the insecurities slowly disable my head along with my heart. the familiar hypocrisy, paired with the unfamiliar failure to find solace in it. all that talk abt hypocrites, only to find oneself playin along with them in their game. shud I give the excuse that THAT is the real world or just simply detest my own doings.
starin at the screen, seein what i type slowly appearin letter by letter into the baby blue convo box. what pure colour decorated with such satanic words i have chose to represent myself. simply not meanin a single thg of what i have typed. i am not losin myself, neither am i playin the game of networkin. i’d rather i am but sadly i am not. in actual fact, i am alr not needin a conscious effort to, i am just doin it as if it is of second-nature. i have fallen into the abyss without the slightest idea and is it just too late to find out now? i am confused not because i lost myself but how shud i survive in this world whr i am slowly losin sight of evryone’s gd-natured side, evn my own. whr have all of us gone to as we become more adept for the working life?
this whole hols i chose to hide behind the screen, watchin how ppl come up with their ideas of life thru dramas. all these while, i chose not to come into contact with ppl i am not familiar with but at the same time it is scary to find out how the actual person i am is totally different frm the one i have created to face others.
realizing how i am not doin enough for the ppl i care and doin too much for ppl that doesn’t bother me too much. how i have let impt friendships pass me by. watchin as I feel insecure abt friendship that i dare say will last the trauma of calamities. the fear of losin that friend that have went thru so much with me, guiding me thru all those times. i need more confidence in you =) because i knoe you are just a call away and no matter what happens you will be there for me, just like how i will.
all this while listenin to ehlo singin, it soothed me a little. the need to face evrybod once again. maybe there is no need to be so bothered abt so many thgs. all i have to do is to just to be the pk in 1.5. all the gd times, fun, joy, laughters. all those jokes and fun. maybe scoob’s missin but i can cope, spread his humour. sddnly, i just got reminded of how he was in j1. the blue rubbishbin, the corner near the stairs, the confident loner =)) i shud just do thgs that i love, carin abt opinions of loved ones. these are all that matters, no more.
the hair will stay, until i am ready enough to exude that radiance. currently, i am still contented to just hide behind the mane. viewin the world in my own perspective, not havin to alws be ready to fend off any negativity. school’s startin and all that talk abt not wantin to go back. seriously, is there really nobody who wants to return? not a single person honestly? once term starts, i guess i want back my life. there are two thgs i want to do. since evrythg’s over, i think it is time i start working a lil. it is time to earn my own keep while keeping up with my studies. the nxt is to join a cca.. this is not exactly compulsory. if there is a possibility, i’d want to return to the sports whr i first felt the feelin of soarin but reality does not allow and i’d hate how it crashes me aft evry victory.
i am abt comin to an end with this entry.. once school starts, evrythg starts anew. the negativity goes, the sluggish attitude goes, the English needs improving. other than that, the rest are still pendin. i don’t knoe why but there is just a sudden urge to read Othello. *shruggs.
Labels: change of emotions, new beginnin, school start
1:40 AM