Name: Sunday, October 14, 2007
insomniac
coincidentally, it is 528 again but in actual fact it is only 523 cos my hp and watch are 5mins faster. for some reason, my body just refuses to rest and refuses to register the fact that it is freakin MORNING now and evn the nocturnal me shud be slpin alr! it might be because i slpt for 19hours straight ytd. that was cos i stayed up to wait for sep to come my hse and after that i left for my appt before goin to b’s. the day before i was really really tired! not only did i not slp, i actually got my ass stuck in the game of mahjong for almost SIX hours! Yes! 1,2,3,4,5, S-I-X. it is a big achievement in case you dont knoe. The longest i ever last is only say.. at most 45mins. hahhaa! it was so brain-strainin… the funniest part was we had only 3 ppl playin and we can last so long. we were supposed to play FOUR players like how a norm mj game goes but stupid sep decided to give us a miss cos she was too tired from the lack of slp as well. so it was like me, b and her mommy. the whole game was just really fun and not as stressful cos her mom also super anyhow and surprisingly enough her mom won the most. cos it seems like me and b gamed the most. hahaha!and love, dont worry. i am damn gd. i knoe i still have you and dinny to talk to. actually there are evn more ppl, evn b but it is just that i choose not to. it is just me who cant open up. the situation isnt as bad since both of us has the common stand that nothing can go as bad as suicide. hahaha! lets say it is pride because other than that i really cant put a cause to my failure to get help. mayb I am getting from the biatch. anw her name’s Mrs Lim, mayb she isn’t as bad. i didnt get to tell you and b, i dont hate her as much. it was evn funny the last time we met cos she indirectly exposed the fact that my dad was overprotective tho my dad didnt get it. sometimes i’d wish he wasnt. it was really funny cos i rarely see ppl argue with my dad cos my dad alws has a way with his words and he alws has ppl suckin up to him. that day i was just sittin there and sniggerin to myself. she was actually looking at my reaction and abit bewildered by it. my dad was so lost for word that i could almost sense him close to flarin and my face was just, ‘ok-go-on-man’. actually comin to think of it, it might just be a blessin in disguise. i knew i had a prob and i rmbed telling fiz i need a psychiatrist. hahaha! Mrs Lim is nowhere as pro of cos but close enough, why not? it is just me not bein able to face up with evrythg that has happened. i still dream abt it but I dont think i’d call them nightmares, it is just me appearin there and still putting on a strong front. it really eats me up and that’s also why i broke dwn ytd. the whole thg just becomes a mental block for me but i knoe one day i can overcome it, that is also one reason i dont want a bf anymore. there are just thgs i dont knoe how to share. yes, i definitely wont be telling him abt it but i do really have a prob with sharing probs. unless it is somebody like ili, i mean honestly it feels really great tell him probs. i alws just end up smiling or just stoning ard and he just knoes how to react and somehow i’d feel better after that. you dont have to feel bad or change in any way, i mean if this is the way our friendship is then so be it. there is nothing wrong so we dont have to change anythg. i knoe it just feels weird for me to tell you serious thgs or me feelin dwn in a semi-jokin tone. believe it or not, that’s the way i think abt in my head too.. like, oops, i screwed it and i’l prolly just hahaha to myself in my head. it is the way i process thots. you gotta get used to it but if you turn insane cos of that I dont wanna be held responsible man. hahaha! in some sense you can say i am pretty optimistic or you can say i am just bluffin myself but you just gotta believe that at the end of the day i will be fine. i am only used to protectin others and whn it comes to myself, the only way i knoe is to keep it to myself. mayb my protective characteristic came frm my bein the eldest at home!
ok, i totally blogged one whole para of i-dont-knoe-whats. surprising enough, my mood for school reopen now is very much the same as whn i first started school in April. i am not interested in friends of any forms, i just wanna focus and study. it is very unlikely to focus on studies but i am very sure abt the friends part. i will give no face anymore. i have no tolerance for nonsense. if i dont like, i think i prolly wont bother anymore. mayb bein a loner just makes thgs so much simpler. yes, i still have b, mayb that’d make lectures more bearable and there is still company. *shruggs.
anw i was just thinking.. why do the mutilators only cut their wrists? comparatively i’d say ankles are better locations. i mean if i am them i’d really choose ankles, least obvious and… ok, mayb cos the wrist has more blood. up to them.
Labels: blant, blatant, insomnia, naggy, rubbish
5:38 PM